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I feel I should stop in and say hi even though I am not full of things to say. We have been having summer solstice, with a little fireflies-and-fairy-tales walk in the wood, strawberry picking, and maybe or maybe not a bonfire by a creek tonight.

Mostly though we have been having the kind of things that make me feel quiet. This week included a few sad anniversaries, some unexpected and devastating pulling away of seemingly sure good things, and some other stressful exchanges that kind of force-focused the theme of this week onto clarifying my own core values and how to live those out. 

I have been surprised by how pervasive homeschooling is, in my value system, how easy it is for me to make analogies that come out of my years in home education and alternative, radical parenting.  I was asked to treat someone very young as lesser-than in case ever in the future I misstep and treat them as lesser-than, with the askee essentially arguing that to ready a child for someone being unkind to them in the future, we must be unkind to them now. That’s the same argument people make for no or low-intervention in school bullying. The same argument people make for letting babies cry it out and sleep alone. It is a philosophy of life based in fear, not love, and I just can’t act it out in good conscience. I have kept my kids out of school-type settings in order to prevent their being exposed to cruelties earlier than necessary, in rebellion against the idea that being raised in a box makes it easier for you to climb into one if you find you like it inside boxes later. 

Still the idealist I was as a teenage girlmom insisting on attachment parenting, only, these fifteen years later, I feel in such gritty detail all the reasons why people choose fear-based living instead. All the dirt and yuck and heaviness of that is close to me, I see it clearly and understand it (while yet not agreeing), so I sit with it, chanting quietly, doing magic inside my soul, pushing my inner energies towards clarity the world over. Whereas when I started out making a life based on love instead of fear, I was energetic and free and lit up, and I wrote long passionate essays on why this is better on every forum and message board that would take me, and I felt no legit or sympathetic pushing in on my attempt to do so. I choose love, I choose love, I choose love, and the older I get the more my religion is nothing besides quietly willing “love instead” into the universe amongst all the fearing people.

The boys basically read all my last week with them. Terran is into Franny K Stein, Bear discovered the Cat Who mystery series, and Verdi is doing a grand catch-up on all the books he started but didn’t finished.

I also read some D’Aulaire’s aloud to Terran. He remembered a startling amount about all the Greek gods. It was good to snuggle and read. I wish I could get reading aloud better established as part of our routine. Maybe that should be my next goal.

Next week will be a big volunteering week for Verdi. He has training for being a volunteer at our local makerspace on Tuesday, then we’re off to a folk music festival we’re attending on a work-trade. This will be Verdi’s first year as a volunteer there.

I guess that’s a lot of talking, actually, for a person who says she is feeling quiet this week. Hm.

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